Years ago I let myself imagine a life with two children. I prayed a peculiar prayer. I asked God to close my womb until I could appreciate another child. Until His timing was right. And He answered my prayer. He is a good father.
Nearly two years later, I have mixed, complicated feelings about this past season of infertility. God has taught me gratitude (for Nora specifically and, really, for all my blessings) and a whole new appreciation for the gift of life that even years of pro-life work couldn't. I know without a doubt that God is the author of life. I've lived that truth.
The hardest parts have been not getting what I want when I want it and not knowing why we couldn't conceive. There have been definite low points, but by the grace of God through this, they have been few. I praise God I have not endured miscarriages. I know plenty who have and I pray for peace for them.
It has been a mixed bag of blessings and brokenness -- depending on how close I've felt to God, his word and his people.
The bottom line: There's no identifiable reason why I shouldn't be pregnant. There's really nothing wrong -- and that has been the greatest news to me -- a definite answer to prayer. God is in this. Miraculous, blessed infertility. Perhaps just for a season.
So where do I go from here?
Sure, there are a few more things I could explore and other ways to create life. And I may explore more testing. I'm not going through IVF, though. That's where I've decided to draw the line.
Life's a little easier with a 3-year-old than it was with a baby. I have the freedom to do more, serve more, and love more. And maybe that's the only gift of the kind that I will get in this life. But, I think my sweet daughter needs a playmate. I am considering the process of adoption. I'm sure God has brought me to this in so many beautiful ways.
Be still and know that I am God. I have to tell myself that daily.
Life is not about accomplishing our will. We don't get to write our story. It's about trusting in the Lord and being a willing servant in whatever circumstance he places us.
Soli deo gloria!