Friday, August 26, 2011

Change-Part I

I'm a little slow to the punch.

First, let me apologize for not being real and honest on my blog. I've had some major things to say and not the words to say it. I have also been waiting for the right time.

It takes me a while to grapple with what I'm feeling emotionally and to dig down to uncover what's at the root of those emotions.

It may not seem that a writer — someone who has ease with expression — would struggle expressing herself. But, I do.

A few years ago I was in a dead-end relationship, and my relationship with Christ — even more importantly — had grown stagnant. I thought that, just maybe, I was experiencing the best Christianity had to offer, and the best that a potential spouse could offer — but I was wrong on both counts. I was being called to obey God's will. I finally did and now I have a happy marriage to show for it. I attribute it to the sanctifying work of Christ. I needed to move past a major stumbling block. Sanctification is a ROUGH process, but there's no other way to live — or die.

Lately, though, I've found myself in the same position at work. All of these emotions have been welling up inside me — anger, depression, frustration, anxiety, etc. They've been overwhelming at times.

I rationalized it for a while by telling myself that it was just the disappointment of coming down from the greatest year of my life. Nothing could top all of the excitement of 2010 (you know, engagement, showers, home buying, wedding, honeymoon, MARRIAGE!) — well, maybe having children one day — but I've finally realized that's not the culprit here.

I had a revelation recently thanks to a good friend. My friend, Jess, casually asked me how I manage a household with a stressful, demanding, full time job? Her question made me emotional — made me want to cry. I felt like her question struck at the heart of what's been upsetting me.

My first priority is my household. I want things to be clean. I want my husband to be well fed because he works so hard to provide for us. Cooking nutritious meals is the least I can do for the man I love. I want him to come home to a stress-free wife so that our home will be a sanctuary for us both.

My job competes for my attention. It doesn't just compete, it demands that I sacrifice caring for my household and spending time with my husband. Then I get angry, frustrated, depressed, etc. And, there you have it. I have gotten to the root of the problem. It's in this vein that I realized that it's once again time for a change.

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